Submitted by: Anonymous
So I was having this internal debate with myself for quite some time before I elected to shave my pins for the first time. Do I take the leap and shave, or not? Opinions among the lads of my weekend bunch were divided, as evidenced by the roughly 50/50 split of shaved vs hairy legs. The three things that swung my decision were:
1. I didn't want to look any more like a hubbard than was unavoidable.
2. This video of wind tunnel testing, the results of which nearly 'blew' me away (along with the guys from Specialized, who did the test)
-- I'm a little more bear-like with my leg hair density than the guy in the video, so I figured the advantage would be even greater :) And;
3. Rule # 33: Shave your guns www.velominati.com/the-rules/
Once the decision was made, a few other things came into play that I had not anticipated, and yet more questions were raised.
How do I start? What tools do I use? Where do I start? Shower, sink or bath?, and finally..... Where do I stop!?
As a veteran face shaver, I figured it would be pretty simple. Seriously, how hard could it be? Surely after dealing with the wire-like whiskers on my face, the soft hairs on my legs would be a walk in the park! It might take a little longer due to the much greater area, but the skin on your legs is much less sensitive, and there are less curves to negotiate. Plus - my wife makes it look so easy!
I now have a much greater respect for my wife's abilities in this area. It would be an understatement in the extreme to say that I found it far more difficult than I had anticipated.
Almost as soon as I had begun, I realised I was in over my head. I started with a razor. The first 5 minutes were dedicated to one spot on my right shin about half the size of a smartphone. I had chosen the shower for the event, so the shaving cream kept washing away, and the forest of hair that stuck in the razor each pass required considerable effort to rinse out. All this while trying to stay upright on one leg, with water from the shower running through my eyes.
Take #2 - I dried off and started with the clippers. This time I made much faster progress, but kept cutting myself... with clippers! I didn't think that was even possible! Adding to the indignity of cutting my legs with clippers, they weren't even removing all of the hair - it was more like giving my legs a nice crew-cut. I knew I was making some decent progress though, just by witnessing the hair pile up in the shower until I was around ankle deep in the stuff.
Before I was finished with the clippers, I had to answer a critical question - where do I stop? Well, without diving too deeply into my psyche, which could obviously do with a tune-up, I decided to try and preserve some of my masculinity. My internal monologue went something like "You're only doing this for photos and performance, so only shave the absolute minimum amount required". That thought process also worked in favour of my desire to have the whole thing over with as quickly as possible - it was really starting to draw out! So I went from just below the sock line to just above the shorts.
Back to the razor, and progress was much more encouraging this time - although I still had the same issues with shaving cream and blockages.
This final process took me quite some time, despite that great head-start from the clippers. Long enough to run out of hot water and have to finish in a cold shower. What an amateur! Progress was slow primarily due to my severe lack of flexibility, making those tricky bits behind the knees that much more awkward. Even with the extra time it took, I still managed to miss patches everywhere.
So with patches of hair and nicks all over my legs, from the waist down I pretty much resembled a flea-bitten, ageing greyhound, fresh out of the operating theatre .. With awesome legs! I had no idea how different my legs would actually look when I was done. Before, I literally couldn't see any definition. Now I could see every bit of muscle and sinew of my skinny little spaghetti legs, and I loved it!
I strolled out of the bathroom nude, basking in the glory of my accomplishment, eager to show off my beautiful legs to my wife. It was at this point I realised I had perhaps made a minor miscalculation about where to stop... My wife took one look at me and simply said "you look like you just sat in arse hair".
Some time has passed since that so casual, but so very hurtful comment. My conundrum, which was solved so simply before in the three points above, has been immeasurably complicated. I have now come to terms with the situation, and condensed the real issues to what I call the five 'F's.
- If I shave, I obviously must shave much Further.
- I must shave more Frequently.
- I must shave much Faster.
- I must be more Flexible.
- I must Forget my hang-ups.